


Kiss All My Scars Goodbye // Phan

by goodnightcomet



Category: Dan & phil - Fandom, Dan Howell - Fandom, Phan, Phandom, Phil Lester - Fandom, Youtubers, dan and phil, dan howell/phil lester - Fandom
Genre: M/M, Occasional swearing, Suicidal Thoughts, self harm mention, suicide/death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2019-01-10 22:16:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12308949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodnightcomet/pseuds/goodnightcomet
Summary: An AU in which the only way for your scars to disappear is when your soulmate kisses them goodbye.





	Kiss All My Scars Goodbye // Phan

Dan and Phil lounge on their couch, one on the computer and the other on the phone respectively. 

"Phil, can I confess something to you?" Dan says out of the blue, closing his laptop and putting it aside.

"What is it Dan?" Phil replies, feeling very curious. 

"Since we've been together for a pretty long time now, I feel like I can tell this to you now."

"Alright."

"I've been self harming."

 

Silence falls between the two. After a moment of staring, Dan brings his arms towards Phil.

 

He pulls Dan's sleeves up and gasps. His arms are filled with scar after scar after scar. "Are there more?" Phil asks softly, voice ridden with concern and sorrow. Dan nods slowly and hesitantly takes off his baggy sweater. More scars line his shoulders and stomach. The blue-eyed man stares at his body for who knows how long, mouth slightly agape. He peels his eyes off of his boyfriend's body and scoots closer to him. 

He brings his arms up and wraps them around Dan's body, holding him close. The younger man is shocked. "Y-you're not mad at me?" Dan chokes out. He wants to cry.

Phil is taken aback. He pulls away from the embrace and looks Dan straight in the eyes. "Of course I'm not mad!" he exclaims. "Why would I be?"

"It just shows how weak of a person I am." 

"Why did you do this to yourself, Dan?"

He averts his gaze to anywhere but Phil's eyes. "It's because I'm weak. Pathetic. There's these voices inside my head that keep nagging on about how you don't love me. They keep telling me that I'm not worth it, that I'm not worth your time. They say that I should die alone, and that no one will miss me if I killed myself."

"Dan--"

"They say that I'm not enough for you. Their voices keep echoing through my head, and eventually, I believed them. I don't deserve you, Phil."

"Da--"

"I hid blades in my room and made sure you couldn't notice them. The box that I kept them in seemed to glow every time the voices appeared. When I used the blades, they st--"

"Daniel." Phil gently grabs his shoulders, careful not to hurt him. "How long has this been going on?"

"A long time. I don't remember an instance when the nasty voices weren't there. Well, that is until I met you for the first time. They died down a bit, but they returned recently, and I don't know why. My mind absolutely hates me."

Phil pulls Dan into another hug, which he reciprocates. "Dan, you could've talked to me about this. I'm here for you, and I always will be."

"I know, but I... I was scared. I was scared that you were gonna hate me for doing this to myself." His voice broke.

"It's okay, it's okay. I understand. Just please, never do this to yourself ever again."

A tear rolls down Dan's face.

Then another.

Then another.

"I promise, Phil. I promise."

 

Then they just sit there, in each others arms. Dan pulls away reluctantly and looks down at himself. "Ugh, I wish I could remove these scars. There's way too many, and they remind me of things I don't wanna be reminded of."

Phil smiles ever so slightly. "What if I kiss them until they're gone?" Dan laughs.

"What are you, my mum? Plus, I'm not five."

"Wait until you see this, then." Phil reaches down and grabs Dan's right arm. He brings it up to his face and kisses it. He kisses all of Dan's forearm before pulling away. "Look at this, Danny boy."

Dan brings his right arm up to his face. His eyes widen. His scars disappeared completely. "Wh-what... what the fuck?"

Phil chuckles and winks.

"Phil, how... what..."

"Your parents never told you about this when they gave you the soulmate talk?"

"No! They never did!"

"Well, now you know!"

 

They both sit there in comfortable silence as Dan stares at his clean forearm. "Phil?"

"Yes?"

"Can you kiss all my scars goodbye?"

Phil smiles widely. "Of course."

 

 

/

 

 

Phil wakes up in cold sweat, his pounding heart echoing through his ears. He abruptly sits up and looks over at the other side of his bed. Empty. He sighs as he leans back on his pillow. He still couldn't believe what had happened in the past few weeks. 

After Dan confessed about harming himself, Phil suggested that he should take therapy. After minutes of persuading, Dan agreed to go. His first session wasn't that bad. His therapist was a nice lady who made him feel comfortable and was great at giving him advice. After some time, Dan was slowly but surely getting better. 

 

Unfortunately, life won't let you get the happiness that you want. 

When they climbed into the cab after one of Dan's therapy sessions, everything went terribly wrong. 

 

They got into a car accident, and Dan died because of it.

He died because a dumb fucking driver ran a red light and hit the cab they rode in. 

 

Phil has been getting recurring dreams of Dan's confession and that accident ever since. He hated it. Every time he would go to sleep, he'd get those dreams. Every. Single. Night. He would force himself to stay awake to avoid them, but sleep would always win. 

Phil gets out of bed and drags himself to the bathroom. He rubs his face and runs his hand through his hair as he looks in the mirror. He isn't surprised to see dark circles under his eyes, paler-than-usual skin and a permanent frown on his face. 

He scours the bathroom lazily and pulls out sleeping pills. He looks down at his arms and frowns even more. Dan wouldn't have wanted this.

Phil desperately opens the cap and shakes the bottle until his hand is overflowing with the pills.

He sighs deeply. Before he ingested the mountain of pills, he whispers in a broken voice:

 

"I wish you could kiss all my scars goodbye, Dan. I'm so sorry."


End file.
